Fears

I mentioned in my April Fools post I was scared of the darkness so I assume it is time for me to make a post about fears.

Now I know normally kids are the one's scared of darkness and as an adult understand darkness cannot directly hurt you, but that does not mean I cannot fear it. Have you ever heard of sleep paralysis? I have and I have had it happen to me often. Studying psychology Sleep Paralysis was a class subject topic at one point here and there within certain classes and some people do not like to believe it but there is scientific studies behind it and it is common enough to be called a sleeping disorder. There are many reasons as to why it happens whether it is stress or you do not sleep much so overly too tired and I could go into specific great detail as to it involves REM sleep and sleep cycles, but in general everyone enters a state of paralysis within their sleep and sometimes your eyes or mind can wake up before the rest of your body can making the paralysis effects not wear off yet. Going into it more psychologically people have stated they see sleep demons or beings when in this state. Now I cannot say for sure what this actually means or what people see or experience and would not doubt them. I do know that when this happens to me I am sure it is just the dream like world that you enter in your sleep is still in action as the rest of you wakes up intermixing with the reality around you distorting it, but this does not make it any less creepy. In the past when I experienced Sleep Paralysis it is quite disturbing. I am in my own bed stuck, unable to move, unable to make a noise, while the dark surrounds me, but the dark alone is not what is with me. I have seen black figures standing by me or walking closer grabbing at the covers, and so on. I am not saying what I see is true but the fact it is happening while basically awake in a nightmare in my own safe surroundings is troubling and once I am able to move and cut a light on or roll over it does take me awhile to fall back asleep due to my mind does not immediately forget what just happens. So to say I am not necessary scared of the dark itself, but scared of what can lurk in it.

I also have a slight case of Trypophobia. In summary it is the fear of small clusters of holes like a lotus seed pod. Now in a severe case when people see images or things related to this they can get sick, dizzy, lightheaded and so on. I do no have these reactions, but I do get a deep triggering feeling I cannot explain. I cannot stand the site of things like this. I can say it has gotten better over the years, but I am honestly not sure. I believe I know where it comes from and why it started to begin with. When I was younger, maybe 8 years old, I watched an animal planet documentary. It was called "The Most Extreme". If you have not watched this show it would show the 10 most extreme of something. They had the 10 most extreme fighters then jumpers and the list goes on and this one episode was the 10 most extreme births and one of the contenders for extreme births was the Surinam Toad. (Now if you click on the toads name it will take you to the Wikipedia link which Wikipedia has been proven wrong but I will tell you in this case the picture as you scroll down is true and the birth part.) Anyways, The toads have their babies by them bursting and popping out of several holes that are in the mother adults back and as a kid I will admit this traumatized me. Every time I see small holes especially in a group as a cluster, all I can see is stuff creeping out and bursting out and it just freaks me out. There was a pizza place we regularly went to in high school and if the cheese would fall off it would make it extremely hard for me to eat it, but did so because I did not waste it, because the way this place made their dough left tiny holes throughout it beneath the cheese and pepperoni that covered it and eventually when old enough I had to make the choice to not go nor eat there at all due to this.

Now fears can be external like the dark around you or seeing holes in everything and ready for something to pop out at you but fears can form internally as well.

I fear disappointment and rejection in which these are not tangible seeable things but hidden away inside. It is very hard for me to deal with these things and causes me to strive for perfection in everything I do knowing perfection is impossible. And even though I tell myself and others tell me this is impossible for some reason I still have to work towards this. Like an involuntary response to meet the satisfaction of others disregarding my own thoughts growing my insecurities and worrisome over thinking thoughts making me believe I have to do more and more and never make anyone happy and help.

Most would not like to admit their fears and some would say they do not have any, not even one, but I do not believe that. I believe everyone fears something one way of another and honestly I do not like to admit my fears, but I cannot just hide them away either. That just makes them stronger.

There is something I always look onto when I have an overwhelming sense of fear whether it is something I listed above or something else.

"Fear not for I am with you, do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthenyou and uphold you with my righteous right hand."

- Isaiah 41:10

After hearing this verse during a Sunday morning sermon when I was younger I have not let it leave me. I memorized this verse immediately and constantly repeat it to myself in times of need, like those times I am trapped in the dark and can't move or when I am upset over uncontrollable matters. When assisting others in hard times I have sent them this verse as well and now I am telling it to you.

I do not believe it is wrong to fear and I know we have no reason to, but fears are normal and linger on you at times, but we just have to remember that is all they are and we can overcome them each time they crawl back.

So tell me, what do you fear?